Folks, the day has come. The day that every little red-blooded American boy has dreamed of is finally here. We can, finally, at long-last, purchase a flamethrower on the civilian market.
I know, I know- I can already hear the leftist cries of “Why would anyone need a flamethrower?!” I assure you, few of us need a flamethrower. I’ll address this concern in a moment. First, the facts:
In an article seething with “can you believe it?” indignation, the UK’s the Daily Mail reports on the new civilian company manufacturing flamethrowers.
Throwflame, a Cleveland startup, is selling $1,599 flamethrowers that can shoot fire 50 feet. Ion Production Team of Detroit is selling devices for $900 that can shoot flames 25 feet.
The devices were banned by the military as part of the 1980 Convention on Certain Conventional Weapons, which sought to restrict weapons that were considered excessively injurious.
Throwflame founder Quinn Whitehead and Ion CEO Chris Byars claim that their flamethrowers have caused no injuries and that safety is the companies’ main priority.
‘We always have the people who just want it for fun. Impress the neighbors at the BBQ,’ Whitehead told CNNMoney.
Ion Productions has placed a warning on their website that flamethrowers ‘may result in injury or even death’.
There are, however, practical uses for the devices outside the neighborhood cookout, the CEOs said.
They said that the flamethrowers can be used by farmers to clear fields and burn away unwanted brush, and that firefighters can use them for controlled burns.
This is so cool and so, so, so dangerous.
I will not attempt to defend flamethrowers as a legitimate tool of home defense nor as a common tool for the average farmer looking to burn-away brush.
That’s because I don’t have to.
Malice is the true cause of murder, not the weapon. While it’s undeniable that a flamethrower could cause devastation is used as a weapon, it’s equally undeniable that a chainsaw could cause mass devastation. A gas can and a Zippo can, as well. Propane cylinders, pressure cookers, and fertilizer can all be used for evil and yet, we continue to sell them.
The reason is really quite simple: we cannot attempt to control the means by which the deranged can create carnage. Pandora ’s Box is wide open and time and time again, the best defense against wanton murder is to have a well-armed populace.
Liberals will wonder why anyone would need such a toy/tool/weapon. The truth is that nobody really needs a flamethrower. However, the discussion of what people need is completely irrelevant to a discussion of what should be on the open market.
As a side note: being a flamethrower operator has, historically, been one of the most-dangerous jobs on the battlefield. Not only does one serve as a literal beacon that attracts enemy fire, but the operator is strapped with a highly-combustible tank on his back. One well-placed shot will turn the operator into a roman candle. So, for any “good guy with a gun” that is ever confronted by a flame-throwing madman, remember this tip.
As for me, I know what I’ll be asking for this Christmas.